Coming out to your family
30 Aug 2007- Telling your family that you are gay can be the biggest hurdle of all. There are many gay men who lead gay lifestyle and have boyfriends often for year and years- and yet are not out to their families. Because of all the covering up they have to do, they lead a double life that can be mentally and physically exhausting. For a start, there is a problem of avoiding questions regarding girlfriends and marriage...
Coming out to someone else
20 Aug 2007- The next stage of coming out is to tell someone else about how you feel. This is normally a feeling you have inside you and you just want to share your news with someone. However you need to give this step some thought...
Coming out to yourself
02 July 2007- Many gay men say that the first stage in their coming out was coming out to themselves. This stage involves accepting yourself and feeling good about who you are and the fact that you are gay. For some guys this is not an issue and they come to terms with their sexuality from an early age...
But why come out?
27 July 2007- Zambia- Most gay men say it’s a relief to tell others how they feel. For many, including myself, it can feel as if a massive weight has been lifted off the shoulders. There is a sense of relief that a secret has finally been let out and all the pretending to be someone you are not can stop...
Out of the Closet
22 July 2007- Speaking about coming out of the closet, this is not an easy stage for an African gay man to come out. It’s a stage when you have to choose either to be outcast by your family, the community and the society, or be able to pretend all your life so as to keep your family close by...
Condoms are just part of gay life. And if condoms are going to work for you, you have to make sure you do what’s right for them.
Do you want a boyfriend?
Whether we like to admit it or not, lots of singletons would love to be shacked up with the man of our dreams- who wouldn’t?
Some guys just seem to stroll into successful relationships, while others feel like they are just kissing frog without a prince in sight.
What do you think is the biggest obstacle gay men have to finding a boyfriend?
There are three major things that often get in the way of men finding a partner: themselves, their fears, and the expectation many of us have that we can find someone better.
What are some of the most common mistakes men make when looking for a boyfriend?
That they don’t think about who they are as people, what kind of relationship they want, and what they want in a boyfriend. If you ask someone what they want from a car or a cell/mobile phone they can usually give you a long list of the things they require. If you ask someone what they want from a boyfriend they will usually say “I don’t know really, someone nice with nice a good sense of humour”. If you don’t really know what you are looking for, it is much harder to find it.
Is it really possible to ‘look’ for a boyfriend, or is it something that just happens to you when you are ready?
Yes, its possible to ‘look’ for a boyfriend, but you have to be ready for it to happen as well. There is no point moaning that you haven’t got a boyfriend or never meet men you like if all you do is go to work then go home and flop in front of the TV. So its about being ‘ready’ for it to happen in all areas of your life.
More about Relationships and types
Gay men can have a reputation for spending their lives cruising for sex, being single and having lots of casual partners. There are a lot of reasons why guys decide to form relationships. Some guys tire of the casual scene and want something deeper and longer term. Relationships can also provide stability and support.
Gay men don’t necessarily run their sexual and emotional lives along the same lines as straight guys. We tend to be more flexible and open – and perhaps more realistic about relationships and their possibilities. There are also a greater variety of gay relationship – such as open relationships, relationships with more than one guy and so on.
Things to know about Relationships.
Monogamy relationships- If you are in a monogamous relationship and decide you want to ditch the condoms, there’s a lot to think about first. Do you both have the same HIV status? Unless you both came into this relationship as virgins you are better of testing, just to be sure. If you stop using condoms before testing, you could be putting yourself or your partner at risk of HIV or other STIs.
Mixed-status relationships- If you are a negative guy in a mixed-status relationship, try to find out as much as you can about HIV, it’s treatment, how you get it and how not to. Knowledge is power and the more you know the more you will be able to understand what your partner is experiencing and the more confident you will be that you are doing the right thing to avoid getting it yourself.
Open relationships- The most important thing if you are going to have an open relationship is communication. You have to be clear what the rules are and you have to be able to talk about what happens if there is a slip. If you don’t use condoms in your relationship and you have unsafe sex out side your relationship, could you talk to your partner about it? If the answer is no, then maybe you should think about the arrangement again.
Q - Should i dump my HIV boyfriend?
I met this great guy and we have been going out for just over a month. I really like him. He has HIV and i don't, or at least i didn't the last time i had a test. I always thought i would be cool about the HIV thing if it ever came up in a relationship and i told him it doesn't matter, but to be honest i do feel a bit funny about the whole thing. Even though we always have safer sex, it is still always in the back of my mind and if the condom breaks or whatever that i would be at risk. It kind of freaks me out and i feel it is stopping us from getting closer. I don't want to feel like this. Im too embarrassed to talk to him about how i feel and i don't have any HIV-positive friends who i can ask for their opinion. I knead want to dump him as i think it would be easier. What should i do?
Read between the lines you don't want to dump him. Maybe you should think about relationship counselling? That or talk to him… after all he is your boyfriend.
Who is to say that your previous partner were not HIV-positive? I think the best thing to do is talk to him. If he cares for you and loves you then he will listen to your fears. You can still have safer sex and if you use condoms correctly you may never be at risk of HIV. It all comes down to communication again.
I can understand your concern. You are not alone in fearing HIV from partner with HIV, and in my experience, the person with HIV usually fears this just as much -sometimes more. Have you considered this from his point of view? Everyone needs to work together in order to remove the fear and the stigma around having HIV. You say you really like this guy, so how can dumping him be the easier option? What if the next person you're in a relationship with also has HIV?
Please feel free to send us you experience and you opinons as well as your stories too and we will publish it on here, just click on Send Us Your Story on the front page Africanveil.